no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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