I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
