I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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