My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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