I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
