I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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