My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
