I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
