Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
