saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
