My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
