There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
