So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
