god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
