three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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