The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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