Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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