Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
