my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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