Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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