No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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