Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
