I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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