You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
