he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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