I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
