god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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