So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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