I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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