I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
