Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
