You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
