I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
