im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
