im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
