Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
