Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
