He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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