I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
