I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was born a porn star she said
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
