get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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