Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
