Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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