I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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