Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
