Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
