I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
