my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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