i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ttyl tear gas
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
