Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
